In your Sanctuary

You are My refuge and My Shield: I have put my hope in your word.

- Psalm 119:114

My Refuge and My Shield. The two very things we seek for. Sanctuary. especially these days with all the things that are happening around us. Earth is barely hanging on.

David found his place of refuge and his shield that he sought for in Psalm 61, overwhelmed with his struggles and his last grip of hope feeling far away from home and safety. We can all relate to David. Sometimes out of desperation, we all cry out just like David did, in the hope that there is some higher power hearing us out.

I know I have moments where it's just me against the world, A swimming battle against the eager current without any help. At these moments is when I resort to my refuge and my shield.

Finding your Sanctuary

1. Hope

Never lose hope. Hang on to it and don't lose your grip because, with hope, you will believe that things will only get better and with that promise, you'll gain the strength to stand tall and move forward. Stay positive! and stay hopeful! And trust that things will go uphill from there and believe me it can't get worst!

2. Home

Home is where the heart is. Home doesn't always mean the very place you live in. Home is a place of refuge, and it is a place or the person you want to return to over and over. Home is a story of who we are, a collection of things we love.

3. Meditate

Sometimes soon as you meditate through prayers, you find your inner sanctuary. Hence why many like David as feeling overwhelmed with despair resort to prayers and meditation seeking for answers and comfort. It is scientifically proven that meditation brings comfort. Through meditation, gaining inner peace will gain your inner sanctum.

4. Sanctuary

Have you watched the Disney animation "Hunchback of Notre Dame?" Esmerelda seeks for refuge and was able to find sanctuary at the Cathedral. We all have that place we call "Sanctuary". The definition of Sanctuary is "A calm and safe haven, a comforting place where you can relax and feel at peace away from the noise of the world around you." Sometimes the closest Sanctuary I can get to is my church. Soon as I step in, All the noise and chaos is silenced. I feel relief and safe like nothing can harm me.

5. One with Nature

Appreciating the purity of nature is one of my favourite form of refuge. Inhaling the fresh clean air provided by the trees or admiring the glittering sheets stars in the middle of the dessert. I'm at awe. Sometimes we need that get away from the City life, for calmness and quietness, a chance for us to hear our thoughts. It is a chance to detox from all the things that intoxicate us, our body, mind and soul.

6. Do what you love

Writing, reading, art and music is my form of refuge. I realized that blogging is my way of shelter hence why I began blogging. Reading fairytales and fictional comics transports me away from reality and surrounding myself with art and music brings sanctuary.

7. "Me Time"

Sometimes my "safety net" is my warm blanket wrapped around me in my bed, with a cup of tea and my favourite show on Netflix that I love to binge-watch. We all need some "Me Time." It is a perfect way to recharge yourself to gain the strength to overcome tomorrow.

"Me Time" = "Happy Time".

8. Loved Ones

Being in the arms of your loved one, or surrounding yourself with those you love could be the perfect shield. You couldn't feel safer when you have those extra arms for protection, whether it is your mother, your best friend, your boyfriend or your son. Love is a powerful shield; That is why David never stopped seeking refuge and safety through God because God never let him down, never stopped loving him and never failed him. Under his wings, he found his shield and refuge.

The Ten Commandments of Positivity

One Negative setback and here you go one-way ticket to Melancholy island. However, it all depends on your attitude towards the situations life puts you through.

Oh, the Irony!

While working on this post, four days after finally completing it, life decided to test me with my ten commandments. I’ve lost all that I have written... Since forgetting to back up my work, there was no way of recovering it - Lesson learnt! Usually, at times like these, I’d throw a tantrum and give up. Luckily I had gym training, which helped me blow off some steam. While training, my trainer and I started talking about the ten commandments I created. Asking a few challenging questions I felt we got more in-depth as we discussed through it. “Write it. I’m sure the second time you write it will be a lot better than the previous one, and soon as you're done, share it with me. I'd love to read it.” His words were encouraging and gave me hope. After leaving training with a positive attitude, I went straight to it. Always think positive!

“How are you always so positive?” I’ve been asked this a lot.

Guess what, I wasn’t always positive; in fact, I was known as Little Miss Negative Nancy, the pessimist. My mind was influenced by all the negativity, which made it challenging for me to stay positive. One day, I decided to go on a missionary trip to Africa, the best way to detach myself from all of my surroundings and distractions. It was then when I discovered myself and regained my inner peace. This journey created a positive rippling effect on my life removing all the negativity I’ve had and revealed the ten commandments of positivity.

The Ten Commandments of Positivity

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1. Love

"Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."

- Saint Mother Teresa

Love is the number one Commandment in life - for the spiritual and the non-spiritual. Being brought up in a Christian home, I was always taught to love one another as well as my enemies - love everyone. Applying that in my life has been challenging were at times, instead, I wanted to hate, but couldn't. The long term result though was worth it because those who were once my enemies transformed into new friendships. Hate causes distress and destroys your inner peace. With hate comes darkness, depression, stress and of course, negativity.

Let’s talk breakups...

With a broken heart, all I wanted to do is hate “him”- this hate lasted for a long while. That hatred stopped me from moving forward and kept me looking back in resentment. I lacked inner peace, and inside me, all I felt was discomfort and was not able to move on. I reached the point where “hating” exhausted me. I learned to forgive, stop hating and instead appreciate all the good memories shared in the past. By focusing on the positive side of this breakup, that is “freedom” and “ to trust that God has better plans for me in the future, ” that hatred was gone, and inside me, I finally felt peace. That gave me closure.

Do everything with love. If you love your job, you’ll enjoy it and in result, succeed. Just as my favourite school subjects - music and art I excelled while math, well... I’m sure you can relate!

Love yourself! Learn to love yourself! I compared myself to others. Not being thin enough, my curves are not in the right places, my hair is too short, and I wish I was as successful as he is. Social Media have distorted the image of beauty and perfection. After realizing that I am unique and beautiful in my way, I was able to start loving myself. That was when I began the process of “self-improvement”, become a better me - no I still have my curves in all the wrong areas, but at least my hair grew longer! I launched my own business, which I am passionate about; I’ve become more positive and confident.

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2. Smile

“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” -Saint Mother Teresa

Never underestimate the power of a smile. Smiling at someone can save someone’s life because a smile, it is a sign of love, comfort and care.

Let's Talk Science!

Always smile, even when you’re feeling down or when you cry. Smile even when you don’t feel like it, force it, it’ll make you feel better. Scientifically proven that when you smile, you release the feel-good-messengers that work towards fighting stress to your brain. When you smile, you release dopamine, endorphins and serotonin into your bloodstream, making not only your body relax, but also lower your heart rate and blood pressure. Fact of the day: Endorphins are known as natural painkillers produced by your own body.

Smiling is contagious!

Smiling doesn’t only have a positive effect on yourself but to others around you. When smiling they are bound to smile back at you! Having a positive aura will transfer to others. When you smile, people will treat you differently in a positive way. They’ll find you approachable and attractive – remember, smiling is the best accessory you’ll wear!

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3. The act of giving

“Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give” - Eleanor Roosevelt.

I found happiness soon as I began the act of giving. That was when I discovered myself, who I am and found my purpose in life.

"There is a much deeper, much greater hunger; and that is the hunger for love, and that terrible loneliness and being unwanted, unloved – being abandoned by everybody.”

- Saint Mother Teresa

I felt that donating money, water and food wasn't enough, I wanted to do more, give more. Giving comes in every form, not just materialistic but also can be giving yourself or through emotions. What some are longing more is for love and to be given hope in life. Giving a single hug made this child smile and feel loved while comforting someone in grief gave them hope and peace. This experience truly touched me. I found my purpose in life - the act of giving, that's what makes me happy and ever since I've been pursuing it on a yearly basis. It's addicting. You don’t need to travel to far exotic places to give to others. You can give to those closest to you, your loved ones, your home.

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4. Find your purpose

“We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.”

– Saint Mother Teresa

Why am I here? The Golden question we ask ourselves. What’s our purpose in life? Who am I? Am I any use in this world?

You can feel lost in this world, feeling something is missing in your life. You wish you can make a big difference in the world, but you don’t know how to. By finding your purpose, you’ll also discover who you are. Some may say that it is merely just a dream that will forever remain a dream while you live in reality called life, but what if that dream becomes your reality? Why not? Nothing is impossible. Finding your purpose gives you motivation and something to look forward to.

I’ve experienced this empty feeling, not knowing who I am and why I’m here. My life was a big question mark. My dream since I was young was to make a difference in this world – to have my mark and change the lives of others. As an Interior designer, the furthest I can go is designing other’s dream homes, but this didn’t feel right, I didn’t feel complete, I felt useless. The opportunity to go to Africa gave me the chance for new adventures and experience something new out of my comfort zone – little did I know, it was getting out of my comfort zone that made me discover who I am and find my life purpose. My life changed and it was never the same since. My mind wandered away from the mundane things in life and focused on what is important - seeing the bigger picture.

Yes, sometimes to find your life’s passion and purpose, you need to take action, take risks and get out of your comfort zone rather than sitting in a cubicle of fear and comfort. As Nike says “Just Do It!”.

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5. Be thankful

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

- Oprah Winfrey

Each season, the latest iPhone and Samsung is launched and from looking at your current iPhone that was once "in and now" you're left unsatisfied. Trends come and go and keeping up can wear you out!

When is having enough, enough? You can never have enough, and you’ll always want more. Being thankful for what you’ve got will bring satisfaction.

I flew to Kenya during one of my mission trips, where the experience taught me a valuable life lesson - be thankful. In a rural village of small huts, we were welcomed with open arms to a family’s home. A mum, a dad and their three children living in a humble shack that consists of one multi-purpose room that serves as a living room, a dining and a bedroom with a radio as their only source of entertainment. The bathroom and kitchen were shared among their neighbours outside the house. The wife mentions with a smile “you’re considered well off when you have a roof above your head, and I am thankful for that”. I've never met a family as full of joy and happiness as they are. Ever since the visit, I couldn’t stop thinking “how is that they are happier than we are? regardless of the situation and circumstances?” I’ve realized that it is because they are thankful; they have everything they want and need while I - myself am selfish and spoilt. I’ve always wanted more and never had enough. My attitude changed since, I've become thankful, and ever since I've had everything and it felt enough. I felt perfectly content.

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6. Less is more

“Care less about what you own, care more about how you live.”

- Saint Mother Teresa

Less is more. You’ll find that in many religions where detaching yourself from worldly vanities is being taught as the first step to live a spiritual life.

“Do not love the world or the things in the world." - 1 John 2:15-17.

It’s never enough. We work for success to earn as much money as we could so we could live a life of luxury. We’re not enjoying what we do, and we’re not enjoying life, we’re not living..No matter how much we possess, it will never be enough. So when is enough?

Detaching myself as much as possible from worldly possessions removed a heavy load off my chest. As it got light, I was able to take a deeper breath of relief. The less I’ve cared on mundane things, the more I was able to focus on living life itself and do the things that genuinely made me happy.

Less is more. The less you worry, the more you smile, the less you judge, the more compassionate you’d be, the less you stress, the more you feel blessed and the less you hate, the more you’ll love.

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7. Simplicity

“Focus and simplicity. Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it is worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.”

- Steve Jobs

Removing layers of complex thoughts from your mind can be the first step of removing the heavy baggage off your life’s journey. They say those who live simple are happiest. Rather than over-thinking over what could have been and what should have been, accept it and move on.

Think like a child, with its purity and simplicity; life is less complicated. I look back at my childhood years thinking how much happier and stress-free I’ve been. The furthest worry I had was having my dessert first before my meal. I decided to look at the world with a child’s eye... Wow! the difference! Clearing my mind and keeping it as pure as it has once been, helped me think straight and stress less. Now it's the small, simple things like a flower would make me smile.

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8. Live in the moment

“Be happy in the moment, that’s enough. Each moment is all we need, not more.”

—Mother Teresa.

The past

I use to constantly look back in all the mistakes that I regret in the past. At some point, it became a daily routine where I repeatedly wished I’ve done things differently back then. “What is done is done, it’s in the past, and you can’t change it, get over it and move on!”. That was my wake-up call. Why stress over something I can’t change? Just learn from it and move on, do better and don’t repeat it. It’s ok to make mistakes, and it’s ok to fail, I decided to accept that, everyone goes through this in life, it is how we grow, learn and experience.

The future

I see this a lot in others where stressing about the future took over their lives. I’ve got a friend who obsesses over what could “possibly” happen in the future stopped her from living in the present. My advice to her was “why do you worry over something that didn’t happen yet or might not even happen? Rather than worrying about something that does not yet exist, how about focusing on the present? What you do today will affect your tomorrow. Every problem has a solution this I promise you.”

Don’t get me wrong, don’t neglect the future. Have your goal and aim and work towards it while taking it day by day. Life lesson learnt: expect the unexpected, sometimes the plans you make might not always come to play, you’ll have to take a small detour to reach your final destination. Sometimes your plans don't work out because something better is going to happen. Be patient.

The Present

Be happy in the moment, that’s enough. By occupying yourself on the worries of the future and your past regrets, you’re blinded from seeing what’s currently in front of you.

You miss out on the beautiful moment right in front of you. Let go and accept the fact that the only thing you can control is the present, now. It's sad to see workaholics who still not reached 30, focused on nothing but work and missing every precious occasion while their relationship with “the love of my life” is broken up and for what cost? Is isolating yourself and missing out on life experiences worth it? Do you want to reach success alone? Or would you like to reach there with the best experiences in life and with your loved ones? No one wants to be alone. Find the perfect balance between work, friends and everything else in life. No one wants to look back in regret "I didn't live my life...I wish I enjoyed it". Live in the moment and learn to let go.

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9. Find the silver Lining

“Every cloud has a silver lining.”

“Silver Lining” – “When you want to emphasize the hopeful side of a situation that might seem gloomy on the surface”.

What’s the first thing you do soon as something unforgivable happens? Watch sappy romantics or listening to the sad playlist you created on your Spotify - Yes I’m guilty of that. You set yourself on auto-pilot and switched on depression mode. You feel sorry for yourself and think about all the disappointments while all the past wounds have opened up again. Don’t worry; every cloud has a silver lining, and there’s always a way to find the silver lining in a bad situation.

How to find the silver lining.

• Have a positive attitude. By having a positive attitude, you’ll be able to get things back on track and gain control once again. Easy? Not really, but soon as you realize that new opportunities are on their way, you’ll recognize all the good you have in life and look forward to what is about to unfold in your future.

• Re-evaluate. In these unfortunate situations, you should ask yourself, did this make me happy? Sometimes when things come to an end, you realize the freedom you have gained. Maybe this situation is more of a wake-up call to work on whatever flaws you have. It is the chance to restructure your life to the better and take a turn to what truly makes you happy. Take this as the opportunity for freedom and self-improvement.

• Gain Control. You can’t control the situation, but you can control yourself. No one can control you. Soon as you accept that you can’t change the circumstances but changing the way you look at it at a positive perspective will change everything, and you’ll be able to pick yourself up and move forward.

“Rather than letting the bad moment go on for what feels like an eternity, have the power to take control and force it towards the bright side of life.”

• Remind yourself what you have accomplished or your goals/purpose. Having goals, or reminding yourself of the things you have accomplished in life will make you a lot more positive and making it a lot easier to see through the bad parts of life.

• Hit the reset button. Just step back and take a small break, try to detach yourself from everything that surrounds you by travelling, going to your favourite café in the morning or teak a break from work. By simply reflecting on what truly makes you happy will give you a fresh perspective and steer you away from the negative.

• There’s nothing wrong with failing. Every success has faced failure at some point; they just kept on fighting. People will always post what they succeed, not their failures on social media, so don’t be fooled. When you fail (which you will at some point), it’s ok, don’t dwell on it; just learn from it and keep on going.

Never give up, no matter what. Don’t forget it isn’t over till it’s over.

“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, and I am not going to get angry or think wrongly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can."

– Dalai Lama

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10. Inner Peace

"True happiness comes from having a sense of inner peace and contentment " - Dalai Lama.

It’s hard sometimes to gain inner peace when there are so many distractions surrounding you. I always start my mornings having some alone time. I’d sit at my favourite café, read, reflect and meditate. Doing so every morning helps me start my day peacefully and calmly. I once broke that routine, and I felt like everything was chaotic and out of control - Never again.

Don’t give others the power to destroy your inner peace. No one can permanently take it from you.

Peace is the key. If you have inner peace, any problems you face shouldn’t affect your inner peace – in mind and heart. Without inner peace, no matter how financially you are comfortable in life or how well educated, your happiness can be clouded by every worry and stress due to every circumstance affecting you, causing you to self-destruct.

Believe it or not, following the other 9 commandments of positivity will give you the gift of inner peace, that's how I've mastered it. I had to fall hard once to realize the importance of inner peace. Learning to gain inner peace was a deep learning process and a long life-changing journey of ups and downs I had to take. I've learned to accept myself and take life easy. By improving my lifestyle and simplifying my thoughts, dealing with any negativity or stress life throws at me has become no sweat and painless!

The 5 Love languages

My journey through Chapman's 5 Love Languages

"Love is patient, love is kind. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." The Basic Rules of love from the book of Corinthians. Seems simple to follow like ABC; however, we all know that's not as easy as it sounds.

My mum gifted me a book called "The 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman. Believing I had complete confidence in how to love by following these basic rules - kindness, protects, trusts, and so on, I was proven wrong after reading this book. Loving or being loved is a lot more intimate than one would imagine. It isn't just ABC.

"Love begins, or should begin at home." Chapman started. I couldn't agree with him more. I've always watched how my parents love each other since my toddler years. Their love for each other was my foundation of love. Despite their countless arguments, they still managed to find their way back and never stopped loving. Never have it come to being resolved to the easy ticket out "divorce".

Our Emotional Tank

Love indeed is confusing and the most important word in any language. Our lives revolve around love; without it, living is nearly impossible. "We even fall in love with love." Chapman includes how we each have an "emotional tank" inside us, waiting to be filled with love. To love, our emotional tank needs first to be filled. Love begins at home; when parents fill a child's love tank, their likelihood of acting out is near slim. Chapman's theory made me realise that my emotional tank felt empty once I moved to study abroad away from home - my loved ones. I soon searched in all the wrong places to fill my emotional tank. After graduating, my love tank filled back up as I moved back home and reunited with my loved ones. Loving others has been easier since.

Falling In love

"Unfortunately, the eternality of the "in-love" experience is fiction, not fact,"

According to Chapman's theory, falling "in love" strips reality away from our world. It is more of a euphoric feeling and obsession that "gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship". At the start soon as I read this, I felt disappointed. The fact that I do love the "In-love experience". Reading on, changed to Yes, I somewhat agree that falling in love definitely ships us away from reality. I call that the "Honeymoon phase" of the relationship - the butterflies in your stomach, heart skipping a beat, excitement, sweaty palms, first date and mystery. I believe it is the first step of the process we must take to know the person better and how compatible we are - the physical and emotional attraction. Let's admit for some of us, it's our favourite phase before we're back to reality called "life".

As much as we would love this phase to last forever, it will have to end as Chapman includes, "little by little, the illusion of intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts, and behaviour patterns assert themselves. They are two individuals." However, the good news is that it is the key to opening the door to pursue, as Chapman calls "real love." Rather than being an obsession such as "falling in love", real love is more of a natural feeling.

Let's look at the transition from "Falling in love" to "Pursuing real love."

"'Real love' unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognises the need for personal growth." - Chapman.

When you are pursuing real love, The feeling is genuine and rational, and you would be willing to go through every effort to meet their desires to satisfy them and fill up their emotional tank. I like to see it as an upgrade from 'falling in love'. By then, you'd know this person inside out and have formed a unity as one. You'd be sharing each other's interests as if it is your own. The feeling of security, mutual trust and together grow and reach the highest potential in life.

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Gary Chapman's

The 5 Languages of Love

Filling up each other's love tanks requires dedication, commitment and patience. It requires us to learn to communicate with love, a language needed to pursue "real love successfully".

I've always been able to differentiate between "being in love" and "real love", but showing it was where I failed. Expressing with words was never my strong suit. Instead, I'd let my "actions speak louder than words." I've always thought that my feelings were made clear to that person. Failure to do so has been consistent and frustrating in my past relationships. What am I doing wrong?

What if we love someone who does not reciprocate the feeling? Why am I struggling to show her my feelings towards her? Why can't he see it? What am I doing wrong? These are questions that linger in our thoughts.

We each have our unique primary love language, our way of expressing and receiving affection and emotions. Some may desire some Quality time while others need Physical Touch.

Last spring, I met someone. We had good chemistry, and our conversation was great; no complaints there. I thought my feelings were clear to him; apparently, I wasn't. He Constantly asked me to say how I felt and share my feelings and thoughts, but I just couldn't. I didn't know how to, and I didn't think it was important since I firmly believed that "actions should speak louder than words," as I mentioned. After reading Chapman's book, I've discovered that his desired love language I failed to meet was "Words of Affirmation." That's what went wrong, failing to meet his desire led to a failed relationship.

Chapman's 5 Love languages include:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Time

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

1. Words Of Affirmations

I love you; you mean the world to me; you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We all heard those words from our spouses.

"The tongue has the power of life and death" - Gary Chapman.

With just one word, you can save someone's life with hope, or you can destroy them. You'd be surprised by how powerful this love language is.

Sometimes, you feel your partner isn't listening to you. It would be great if you had them help around the house, but you see no results with constant nagging about getting something done. Exhausting yes. Question, do you acknowledge that you appreciate their help when they do? Do you compliment them? How about the way you ask? Be sure to speak to your partner with love and motivate them, and you'll start seeing results. One mistake I've seen couples make is miscommunication. Rather than ordering someone around, belittling them or raising your voice toward them, showing respect is the best way to go.

"Love makes requests, not demands". - Gary Chapman

According to Chapman, another dialect is encouraging words. The word encourage means "to inspire courage".

We're all insecure in some way or another. With a partner's support and encouragement, it can unlock the potential inside of him and together would grow into something extraordinary. "Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse". I have been discouraged when I've been told, "stop dreaming and be realistic" or "you won't be able to do it". Those words fed my insecurities and created a roadblock in my life. My insecurity is self-doubt and lack of confidence. With encouragement, I was pushed and able to launch my magazine and build my website blog. It just takes one encouraging word to take the first step to pursuing our ambition or dream.

"A soft answer turns away anger" with my personal experience, I second that. It is the most effective and perfect way to extinguish any form of anger. Rather than when your spouse comes roaring in with rage and you bark back at him, a calm response will cool things down to rationality. Listen, always listen, and try to put yourself in his shoes and see things from his perspective rather than being stubborn and sticking with your own.

"See the event through his eyes and then express softly and kindly your understanding of why he feels that way". - Gary Chapman

Let this be the aim of every disagreement or argument in the relationship - rather than proving that you are right and he is wrong, let the goal be problem-solving, coming to an agreement and putting your egos aside. Love does not hold Grudges, so leave them behind as it is history and don't bring it back up again or hold it against him, keep in mind no one's perfect! Resentment and revenge are the pollutions of every relationship. Don't forget, confess and forgive; admitting that you're mistaken and seeking forgiveness shows how you genuinely care for your partner.

"Forgiveness is the way of love." - Gary Chapman.

One of the biggest lessons I have been taught in a Christian home is to love one another and forgive one another, as Christ loves us unconditionally and will always forgive us.

2. Quality Time

Romantic sunset dinner in Paris or simply a walk in the park. If your loved one's primary love language is "Quality time", then switch off the T.V and put your phone away and let your undivided attention be gifted to them. All they want is you, to be with you and to spend time with you and only you.

"We are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love." - Gary Chapman

Some are ambitious and work-driven, and all their time and energy are dedicated to work - "I'm doing this for us, I want to be successful to provide a better life for her ". Giving no time or attention to her can cause her love tank to empty in result feeling insecure in your love and possibly ending up losing her. Let me ask you, are you in it alone? Do you want to reach the top of the ladder on your own? Or do you want her there with you?

"The activity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness" - Gary Chapman.

It's not about being in each other's presence; it's about doing things together. For example, when cooking together, it's not what's cooking that matters; it's the moment between the two and the shared emotions. The language translates to "I care about you, I love spending time with you and sharing every moment with you." Shared experiences, thoughts, and feelings create a recipe for a perfect love connection.

A conversation with each other in quality time differs from the first love language, "Words of Affirmation". It requires patience and listening. Rather than focusing on what is being said, direct your attention to understanding the person and what's in their mind.

Here are a few of Chapman's tips :

1. Eye contact - it shows that your attention is with them.

2. Give them your undivided attention, don't watch the T.v or use your phone while listening to them.

3. Listen for feelings; try to understand what they're going through and how they feel about a specific situation.

4. Read their Body Language, it says a lot.

5. Don't interrupt!

"Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation.. For her to feel loved, he must learn to reveal himself." - Gary Chapman

When I can't tell what my partner is feeling, what his emotions are and thoughts, it causes a barrier between him and me. When he exposes himself to me, It creates mutual trust and allows me to get closer to him and understand him more.

What's essential about Quality time is why you're doing things together rather than what. It shows that you care so much that you're willing to do anything for her. It doesn't have to be something you like or enjoy, you're only doing it for her because she enjoys it and loves it, and she'd like to do it with you and vice versa.

"That is love, and for some people, it is love's loudest voice." - Gary Chapman

One of the joys I get is when doing something my partner enjoys and seeing the smile on his face. It brings us closer to each other. It touches me whenever my partner wants to do the things I wish, even if it's not his cup of tea; it gives me a form of security with his love towards me. It shows me how much he loves me because not anyone has the patience to do this. For me creating memories and moments creates a strong bond with our relationship.

Could this possibly be my love language? still exploring as we go.

3. Receiving Gifts

"A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say. 'look, he was thinking of me.' or ' She remembered me.'" - Gary Chapman

It's not about how expensive the gift costs or what it is, but the meaning behind it and what it represents. "The gift itself is a symbol of that thought".

I'm super sentimental. A handmade card with a beautiful heartfelt letter in it could be my greatest gift, and I'll be treasuring it like it's the most valuable thing I possess.

Gifts come in all forms. Some may be beautiful jewellery and a bouquet of roses, while others can be handmade. You don't need to wait for a special occasion; it could be spontaneous out of the spur moment, a way to cheer someone up, or as a reminder that you're still thinking about them.

Buying gifts is a form of investment, in fact the best investment you'll make. - Chapman

There's another form of gift, an intangible one - the gift of self or the gift of presence. In relation to the love language "Quality time", giving yourself to the one you love is a form of gift by being there for him when he needs you. Don't underestimate that gift because it is a powerful gift that not anyone can commit to. "Your body becomes the symbol of your love."- Gary Chapman

"The heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some receiving gifts, visible symbols of love speaks the loudest." - Gary Chapman

4. Acts of Service

When you love someone, you'd want to please them and do something for them because you love them. It is not a task or chore but an idea of doing something out of love and from the heart.

It's a great way to show someone you love them, for example, going back home and finding that he cooked dinner for you and set up the table (the thought that counts). That translates to, "I was thinking of you while you were gone."

This love language requires a lot of time, effort and planning. Forcing someone to do something for you won't do; they'll probably end up not doing it just because she doesn't want to feel controlled or bossed around.

"No one likes to be forced to do anything. Love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded." - Chapman.

Back in our school days, we were taught the basic etiquette of " please" and "thank you". My partner hated to be told what to do, and he clarified that—realising that rather than "demanding" him to do things, simple requests and asking nicely would do the trick (not that I'm taking advantage, of course, it's the matter of mutual respect). I wouldn't want him doing something for me because he was forced into it. I'd like him to do it because he wants to.

"He may do what you want, but probably it will not be an expression of love. You can give guidance to love by making requests: "I wish you would wash the car.." - Chapman.

Do it for love, not out of fear, guilt or resentment. Chapman here uses the term "Doormat". Allowing someone to treat you like a doormat is not healthy for the relationship. It is not pure love. Allowing him to do so is not an act of love; if he truly loves you, he should not guilt you or treat you as a servant or object.

"Love says, I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me." - Chapman.

5. Physical Touch

From the first touch of a mother's warmth, as a newborn child, to the last kiss of a happily ever after. Physical touch is powerful and speaks in comfort and love for all who seek it. It is one of the last communication resorts for those lost in words.

Physical touch doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. It can be a comforting warm hug or holding hands when in need. It gives safety and security in a relationship. It is a way to say I am there for you, and You're not alone.

"To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally," - Chapman.

Why is it at times when I'm feeling depressed or hurt? All I can think about is to hug someone? Or my partner? Sometimes all I want to do is cry on someone's shoulders. That shoulder comforts me and shows me that he cares.

Sex and pleasure play a considerable role in marriage life. Yes, it is essential, and many, especially men, may say physical touch is their primary language; however, it tends to be a common mistake. Sometimes you don't spend enough quality time, or your spouse speaks badly towards you and gives no attention to you, which puts you down, and as a result, your sex life is not as enjoyable. That means it is not your primary language when your primary language is met and satisfied - spending excellent quality time with your spouse results in better sex life.

Sometimes things can go wrong in that department - the fireworks aren't there. Remembering what pleases you doesn't mean it's the same pleasure as your partner's. Your partner is your best teacher, and exploring and learning from each other is the best way to improve your chemistry.

Refusing to touch someone - holding hands, or kissing them even sexual, can cause self-doubt. Does she love me? Is she physically attracted to me?

Physical touch creates intimacy in every way it touches the soul for some people. Hug him before he sets off for work. Give her a quick kiss while she's doing her research. These small touches create motivation and appreciation and remind you of how you feel for each other.

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Love is a choice you make everyday - Gary Chapman

Link to E-Book

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23878688-the-5-love-languages

Want to discover you and your partner's love language? Follow the link and take the quiz and don't forget to share it with us!

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/