My journey through Chapman's 5 Love Languages
"Love is patient, love is kind. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." The Basic Rules of love from the book of Corinthians. Seems simple to follow like ABC; however, we all know that's not as easy as it sounds.
My mum gifted me a book called "The 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman. Believing I had complete confidence in how to love by following these basic rules - kindness, protects, trusts, and so on, I was proven wrong after reading this book. Loving or being loved is a lot more intimate than one would imagine. It isn't just ABC.
"Love begins, or should begin at home." Chapman started. I couldn't agree with him more. I've always watched how my parents love each other since my toddler years. Their love for each other was my foundation of love. Despite their countless arguments, they still managed to find their way back and never stopped loving. Never have it come to being resolved to the easy ticket out "divorce".
Our Emotional Tank
Love indeed is confusing and the most important word in any language. Our lives revolve around love; without it, living is nearly impossible. "We even fall in love with love." Chapman includes how we each have an "emotional tank" inside us, waiting to be filled with love. To love, our emotional tank needs first to be filled. Love begins at home; when parents fill a child's love tank, their likelihood of acting out is near slim. Chapman's theory made me realise that my emotional tank felt empty once I moved to study abroad away from home - my loved ones. I soon searched in all the wrong places to fill my emotional tank. After graduating, my love tank filled back up as I moved back home and reunited with my loved ones. Loving others has been easier since.
Falling In love
"Unfortunately, the eternality of the "in-love" experience is fiction, not fact,"
According to Chapman's theory, falling "in love" strips reality away from our world. It is more of a euphoric feeling and obsession that "gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship". At the start soon as I read this, I felt disappointed. The fact that I do love the "In-love experience". Reading on, changed to Yes, I somewhat agree that falling in love definitely ships us away from reality. I call that the "Honeymoon phase" of the relationship - the butterflies in your stomach, heart skipping a beat, excitement, sweaty palms, first date and mystery. I believe it is the first step of the process we must take to know the person better and how compatible we are - the physical and emotional attraction. Let's admit for some of us, it's our favourite phase before we're back to reality called "life".
As much as we would love this phase to last forever, it will have to end as Chapman includes, "little by little, the illusion of intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts, and behaviour patterns assert themselves. They are two individuals." However, the good news is that it is the key to opening the door to pursue, as Chapman calls "real love." Rather than being an obsession such as "falling in love", real love is more of a natural feeling.
Let's look at the transition from "Falling in love" to "Pursuing real love."
"'Real love' unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognises the need for personal growth." - Chapman.
When you are pursuing real love, The feeling is genuine and rational, and you would be willing to go through every effort to meet their desires to satisfy them and fill up their emotional tank. I like to see it as an upgrade from 'falling in love'. By then, you'd know this person inside out and have formed a unity as one. You'd be sharing each other's interests as if it is your own. The feeling of security, mutual trust and together grow and reach the highest potential in life.
Gary Chapman's
The 5 Languages of Love
Filling up each other's love tanks requires dedication, commitment and patience. It requires us to learn to communicate with love, a language needed to pursue "real love successfully".
I've always been able to differentiate between "being in love" and "real love", but showing it was where I failed. Expressing with words was never my strong suit. Instead, I'd let my "actions speak louder than words." I've always thought that my feelings were made clear to that person. Failure to do so has been consistent and frustrating in my past relationships. What am I doing wrong?
What if we love someone who does not reciprocate the feeling? Why am I struggling to show her my feelings towards her? Why can't he see it? What am I doing wrong? These are questions that linger in our thoughts.
We each have our unique primary love language, our way of expressing and receiving affection and emotions. Some may desire some Quality time while others need Physical Touch.
Last spring, I met someone. We had good chemistry, and our conversation was great; no complaints there. I thought my feelings were clear to him; apparently, I wasn't. He Constantly asked me to say how I felt and share my feelings and thoughts, but I just couldn't. I didn't know how to, and I didn't think it was important since I firmly believed that "actions should speak louder than words," as I mentioned. After reading Chapman's book, I've discovered that his desired love language I failed to meet was "Words of Affirmation." That's what went wrong, failing to meet his desire led to a failed relationship.
Chapman's 5 Love languages include:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Time
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
1. Words Of Affirmations
I love you; you mean the world to me; you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We all heard those words from our spouses.
"The tongue has the power of life and death" - Gary Chapman.
With just one word, you can save someone's life with hope, or you can destroy them. You'd be surprised by how powerful this love language is.
Sometimes, you feel your partner isn't listening to you. It would be great if you had them help around the house, but you see no results with constant nagging about getting something done. Exhausting yes. Question, do you acknowledge that you appreciate their help when they do? Do you compliment them? How about the way you ask? Be sure to speak to your partner with love and motivate them, and you'll start seeing results. One mistake I've seen couples make is miscommunication. Rather than ordering someone around, belittling them or raising your voice toward them, showing respect is the best way to go.
"Love makes requests, not demands". - Gary Chapman
According to Chapman, another dialect is encouraging words. The word encourage means "to inspire courage".
We're all insecure in some way or another. With a partner's support and encouragement, it can unlock the potential inside of him and together would grow into something extraordinary. "Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse". I have been discouraged when I've been told, "stop dreaming and be realistic" or "you won't be able to do it". Those words fed my insecurities and created a roadblock in my life. My insecurity is self-doubt and lack of confidence. With encouragement, I was pushed and able to launch my magazine and build my website blog. It just takes one encouraging word to take the first step to pursuing our ambition or dream.
"A soft answer turns away anger" with my personal experience, I second that. It is the most effective and perfect way to extinguish any form of anger. Rather than when your spouse comes roaring in with rage and you bark back at him, a calm response will cool things down to rationality. Listen, always listen, and try to put yourself in his shoes and see things from his perspective rather than being stubborn and sticking with your own.
"See the event through his eyes and then express softly and kindly your understanding of why he feels that way". - Gary Chapman
Let this be the aim of every disagreement or argument in the relationship - rather than proving that you are right and he is wrong, let the goal be problem-solving, coming to an agreement and putting your egos aside. Love does not hold Grudges, so leave them behind as it is history and don't bring it back up again or hold it against him, keep in mind no one's perfect! Resentment and revenge are the pollutions of every relationship. Don't forget, confess and forgive; admitting that you're mistaken and seeking forgiveness shows how you genuinely care for your partner.
"Forgiveness is the way of love." - Gary Chapman.
One of the biggest lessons I have been taught in a Christian home is to love one another and forgive one another, as Christ loves us unconditionally and will always forgive us.
2. Quality Time
Romantic sunset dinner in Paris or simply a walk in the park. If your loved one's primary love language is "Quality time", then switch off the T.V and put your phone away and let your undivided attention be gifted to them. All they want is you, to be with you and to spend time with you and only you.
"We are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love." - Gary Chapman
Some are ambitious and work-driven, and all their time and energy are dedicated to work - "I'm doing this for us, I want to be successful to provide a better life for her ". Giving no time or attention to her can cause her love tank to empty in result feeling insecure in your love and possibly ending up losing her. Let me ask you, are you in it alone? Do you want to reach the top of the ladder on your own? Or do you want her there with you?
"The activity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness" - Gary Chapman.
It's not about being in each other's presence; it's about doing things together. For example, when cooking together, it's not what's cooking that matters; it's the moment between the two and the shared emotions. The language translates to "I care about you, I love spending time with you and sharing every moment with you." Shared experiences, thoughts, and feelings create a recipe for a perfect love connection.
A conversation with each other in quality time differs from the first love language, "Words of Affirmation". It requires patience and listening. Rather than focusing on what is being said, direct your attention to understanding the person and what's in their mind.
Here are a few of Chapman's tips :
1. Eye contact - it shows that your attention is with them.
2. Give them your undivided attention, don't watch the T.v or use your phone while listening to them.
3. Listen for feelings; try to understand what they're going through and how they feel about a specific situation.
4. Read their Body Language, it says a lot.
5. Don't interrupt!
"Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation.. For her to feel loved, he must learn to reveal himself." - Gary Chapman
When I can't tell what my partner is feeling, what his emotions are and thoughts, it causes a barrier between him and me. When he exposes himself to me, It creates mutual trust and allows me to get closer to him and understand him more.
What's essential about Quality time is why you're doing things together rather than what. It shows that you care so much that you're willing to do anything for her. It doesn't have to be something you like or enjoy, you're only doing it for her because she enjoys it and loves it, and she'd like to do it with you and vice versa.
"That is love, and for some people, it is love's loudest voice." - Gary Chapman
One of the joys I get is when doing something my partner enjoys and seeing the smile on his face. It brings us closer to each other. It touches me whenever my partner wants to do the things I wish, even if it's not his cup of tea; it gives me a form of security with his love towards me. It shows me how much he loves me because not anyone has the patience to do this. For me creating memories and moments creates a strong bond with our relationship.
Could this possibly be my love language? still exploring as we go.
3. Receiving Gifts
"A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say. 'look, he was thinking of me.' or ' She remembered me.'" - Gary Chapman
It's not about how expensive the gift costs or what it is, but the meaning behind it and what it represents. "The gift itself is a symbol of that thought".
I'm super sentimental. A handmade card with a beautiful heartfelt letter in it could be my greatest gift, and I'll be treasuring it like it's the most valuable thing I possess.
Gifts come in all forms. Some may be beautiful jewellery and a bouquet of roses, while others can be handmade. You don't need to wait for a special occasion; it could be spontaneous out of the spur moment, a way to cheer someone up, or as a reminder that you're still thinking about them.
Buying gifts is a form of investment, in fact the best investment you'll make. - Chapman
There's another form of gift, an intangible one - the gift of self or the gift of presence. In relation to the love language "Quality time", giving yourself to the one you love is a form of gift by being there for him when he needs you. Don't underestimate that gift because it is a powerful gift that not anyone can commit to. "Your body becomes the symbol of your love."- Gary Chapman
"The heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some receiving gifts, visible symbols of love speaks the loudest." - Gary Chapman
4. Acts of Service
When you love someone, you'd want to please them and do something for them because you love them. It is not a task or chore but an idea of doing something out of love and from the heart.
It's a great way to show someone you love them, for example, going back home and finding that he cooked dinner for you and set up the table (the thought that counts). That translates to, "I was thinking of you while you were gone."
This love language requires a lot of time, effort and planning. Forcing someone to do something for you won't do; they'll probably end up not doing it just because she doesn't want to feel controlled or bossed around.
"No one likes to be forced to do anything. Love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded." - Chapman.
Back in our school days, we were taught the basic etiquette of " please" and "thank you". My partner hated to be told what to do, and he clarified that—realising that rather than "demanding" him to do things, simple requests and asking nicely would do the trick (not that I'm taking advantage, of course, it's the matter of mutual respect). I wouldn't want him doing something for me because he was forced into it. I'd like him to do it because he wants to.
"He may do what you want, but probably it will not be an expression of love. You can give guidance to love by making requests: "I wish you would wash the car.." - Chapman.
Do it for love, not out of fear, guilt or resentment. Chapman here uses the term "Doormat". Allowing someone to treat you like a doormat is not healthy for the relationship. It is not pure love. Allowing him to do so is not an act of love; if he truly loves you, he should not guilt you or treat you as a servant or object.
"Love says, I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me." - Chapman.
5. Physical Touch
From the first touch of a mother's warmth, as a newborn child, to the last kiss of a happily ever after. Physical touch is powerful and speaks in comfort and love for all who seek it. It is one of the last communication resorts for those lost in words.
Physical touch doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. It can be a comforting warm hug or holding hands when in need. It gives safety and security in a relationship. It is a way to say I am there for you, and You're not alone.
"To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally," - Chapman.
Why is it at times when I'm feeling depressed or hurt? All I can think about is to hug someone? Or my partner? Sometimes all I want to do is cry on someone's shoulders. That shoulder comforts me and shows me that he cares.
Sex and pleasure play a considerable role in marriage life. Yes, it is essential, and many, especially men, may say physical touch is their primary language; however, it tends to be a common mistake. Sometimes you don't spend enough quality time, or your spouse speaks badly towards you and gives no attention to you, which puts you down, and as a result, your sex life is not as enjoyable. That means it is not your primary language when your primary language is met and satisfied - spending excellent quality time with your spouse results in better sex life.
Sometimes things can go wrong in that department - the fireworks aren't there. Remembering what pleases you doesn't mean it's the same pleasure as your partner's. Your partner is your best teacher, and exploring and learning from each other is the best way to improve your chemistry.
Refusing to touch someone - holding hands, or kissing them even sexual, can cause self-doubt. Does she love me? Is she physically attracted to me?
Physical touch creates intimacy in every way it touches the soul for some people. Hug him before he sets off for work. Give her a quick kiss while she's doing her research. These small touches create motivation and appreciation and remind you of how you feel for each other.
Love is a choice you make everyday - Gary Chapman
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